A friend of mine has a performance review coming up. I sympathize. Both the givers and receivers of performance reviews share a special hell that was created for them by their employer for the sole benefit of that employer. Your employer says that performance reviews “will help you to grow.” This, we all know, is bullshit. Your employer uses performance reviews to justify firing you or, if you are an exemplary employee, to keep your pay raises to a minimum.
If you’re getting a performance review, the first thing you need to do is to stop hoping it will go well. It won’t, and your boss already knows that. So why should you be the only one surprised?
DEMYSTIFYING THE PERFORMANCE REVIEW:
Here’s what it’s all about, Alfie.
a. A 100% positive review means that your boss is either stupid or overly conscientious. In either case he or she will soon be gone. On the other hand, you may be an insufferable little ass-kisser who will probably get promoted. See The Peter Principle.
b. A 100% negative review means that your boss is a self-serving little bitch toad who’s insecure about his or her own job and is deflecting all the blame onto you. Or you did one hell of a job with your résumé and interview to land that position in the first place. Perhaps you should go into sales. Either way, you need to beef up the lies on your résumé and get the hell out of there.
c. An 80 – 90% positive review is so normal and boring that nobody will even read it and you and your boss can remain under the radar and keep your jobs a little longer.
THE 360-DEGREE FEEDBACK, AKA CLUSTER FUCK:
The 360-degree feedback had its beginnings in the German military during World War II. (Seriously. Look it up.) There’s no reason to expect it will go any better for your organization than it did for theirs, though the Nazis were probably kinder.
ROCK IT, BABE
There’s more than one way to play this game. For example, instead of trying to look and act like a professional, try taking Mom’s advice and “just be yourself.” Save that nice suit for your upcoming job interviews. If you really don’t give a shit if you’re fired on the spot, wear this funny T-shirt for your performance appraisal. Maybe your boss has a sense of humor.
This one might work too:
Or try this look:
Try showing some patriotism:
A little diversion maybe. . .
Sometimes you just need to take the philosophical approach to life.
When it’s all over and you’re feeling pissed off and completely demoralized, file your performance review in this cool Bluebird of Crappiness binder.
Or now that you’ve been there, done that, get the T-shirt:
Though these next items are usually reserved for after work, it really depends on what you want out of life.
Should it become necessary, your personal values may dictate that you leave your boss with an appropriate parting gift. It’s perfectly fine to give this gift at 3 a.m. or pay some kid to deliver it for you:
Copyright ©2012 by Linda Avey