Hey–decided that guy’s not right for you? Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say. So why bother? I’ve created a this handy cut-and-paste “Dear John” letter that, depending on which words within the brackets you choose, will help you let him down easy, push him out of your fucking way, or shred his ego because shredding his body is illegal, not to mention messy.
Dear John Letter (Cut-and-Paste Form)
© Copyright 2001 by Linda Avey Bullock
Dear [Name/Loser/Shit-for-Brains/Smegma Breath],
We’ve been [seeing/putting up with/ using] each other for [(insert number) weeks/months/years/way too fucking long] now. And I have to say that this time has been [very enjoyable/a total waste of my time/worse than eating shit out of a goat’s ass on a Tilt-a-Whirl in hell after a three-day binge on Jagermeister, Jell-O shots, and Mad Dog].
I’m writing this letter to let you know that I will no longer be able to [enjoy the pleasure of your company/support your lazy ass/plumb the shallows of your witless mind].
I want you to know that during the time we’ve known each other I have had [the highest regard for your character/a difficult time keeping the smirk off my face/your friends in a three-way and a positive HIV test].
I sincerely hope that [we can remain good friends/you reincarnate as a dung beetle/a pack of pit bulls chews off your scrotum and vomits it back in your face].
[Take care/Take a hike in quicksand/Drive off a cliff]–
[sign your name here–or maybe not]
PS: Within the week I will be [returning your CDs/taking out a restraining order/posting a photo of your ugly dick with contact information on FuckBoys.com and emailing the link to everyone on your contacts list].
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