Dear Mary Letter

Are you ready to trade your latest girl in but feel the need to say, well, something? No worries, Shakespeare, I’ve done that for you. Whether letting some nice girl down easy, getting rid of some noxious clinging weed, or shaking off that psycho bitch, you’ll find the appropriate words right here. Simply choose the most fitting phrase within the brackets.

Dear [(her name)/Fat Whore/Twat du Jour/Semen Receptacle],

We’ve been [seeing/ harassing/ fucking] each other for [X days/weeks/months/years/what seems like an eternity] now. And I will always remember this time as [one of the most enjoyable times of my life/ a time when I was insane/ more nauseating than mixing OG Bombs, cheap cigars, sour milk, and cat shit].

I’m writing this letter to let you know that I no longer want to [be in a relationship/fuck you/ be seen with a fat chick].

I also want you to know that during the time we’ve known each other I have [felt proud to be with you/videotaped you giving me head/tested positive for herpes and HIV].

I will continue to [hold you in the highest regard/tell everyone how fucked up you are/try to scrub your smell off of my body].

I sincerely hope [we can remain good friends/the videos I secretly made of you make me a shitload of money/you get kidnapped by slave dealers and sold to a whorehouse in Bangkok].

[Take care/Suck me/ Die, bitch]–

[sign here–or perhaps not]

PS: Within the week I’ll be [returning your CDs/posting those sex videos I made of you on YouTube/ banging the snot out of your best friend].

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Any thoughts?

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