News Parodies (archives)

 Is That an AK-47 in Your Pocket

Or Are You Just Glad to See Me?

By Linda Avey Bullock © 2008

WASHINGTON—More than seven years after the September 11 tragedy the nation’s airports are still experiencing security problems. To test airport security, undercover agents from the Transportation Security Administration attempted to board planes with weapons hidden in their clothing and bags or, in some cases, displayed in plain sight.

What they found was shocking. Agent Hiam Paquinitt was able to limp right past Reagan National Airport security with an AK-47 stuffed down his pants. Although checkpoint supervisor Ivana Housbundt did stop Paquinitt and question him for about 20 minutes, Paquinitt later reported that their conversation revolved solely around “personal matters.”

In what is perhaps an even more disturbing incident, Agent Dawn Bigguns walked past two Newark International Airport security screeners with SCUD missiles tucked into her specially designed brassiere. Not only did security personnel not try to stop Bigguns from boarding the plane, but both men immediately vacated their posts and attempted to book seats next to her.

Furthermore, when Agent Hugh Teitas went to check his Multiple Launch Rocket System with Southwest Airlines at the Orlando International Airport, he was stopped only because the System was over the weight limit and was informed that he would have to book a second seat.

When Agent Yuwanapeka Myas attempted to get past security personnel wearing seven grenades on a belt around her low-rise jeans, Alabama International Airport security screener Tifanee-Britanee White-Rasch stopped her, asked how much the belt cost, and then let her pass.

In another test conducted in airports across the nation, agents placed nineteen sticks of dynamite, a gallon of gasoline, six disposable lighters, and a box of kitchen matches in an X-ray blocking film bag. Ninety-nine percent of the time, screeners never checked or even asked about the contents of the bag. When asked about this oversight, a spokesman for the Transport Security Administration (TSA) shook his head and said, “Film bags look like black blobs when scanned. Our security people are smart enough to know that black blobs hurting people is only a movie.”

But the Oscar for Worst Airport Security in the U. S. clearly goes to the Los Angeles LAX Airport. Flashing a fake Universal Studios pass, Agent Itka Dappin drove a Sherman tank through the Los Angeles LAX Airport, explaining to security personnel that he was a producer with a “special dispensation” and they “need not worry” because “it’s only a movie.”

When asked about this flagrant breech of security, airport security employee Juan Abbe said, “You can’t be too careful. One wrong move and you’ll never work in this town again.” When asked if he thought it would be better to allow a national disaster to take place than to insult a producer, he just shrugged and said, “It’s a risk I was willing to take.”

Despite recent criticism of the security at U. S. airports, the TSA reports that since September 11, 2001, screeners nationwide have seized 248 bombs, 837 hacksaws, 3,429 double-barrel shotguns, 1,897 hatchets, 2,119 baseball bats, 185 AK-47s, 8,887 nine millimeters, 9,9930 M-16s, 10,247,938,097 toenail clippers, 3,846,242,993 hairpins, and 6,344,013 pairs of “suspicious-looking” shoes. The items were turned over to local police who keep them as evidence or keep them for themselves.

When asked for his comments on the state of airport security in the U. S., President Bush said, “The American People need more time. And our airports need more time.” The President squinted his eyes, looked dazed for a moment, bobbled his head, and said, “And I’m gonna give it to ’em.”

Copyright © 2005 by Linda Avey Bullock

NEW YORK (June 6) – In what some are calling the biggest show of finger-pointing since the Garden of Eden, Citigroup Inc blamed the UPS for the loss of computer tapes containing the social security numbers and other identifying information within the accounts of four million Citibank customers.

When asked why this major financial institution was using 19th century transportation methods to transfer data containing information that would put their customers at risk for identity theft, Kevin Kessinger, executive vice president of Citigroup’s Global Consumer Group and president of Consumer Finance North America, said, “We made the decision to upgrade from the Pony Express last year because the cost of oats and hay became prohibitively expensive.

“It was either that or raise interest rates,” he added. “So we thought this was in the best interest of our customers.”

UPS spokesman Norman Black said, “The bank should have saved their tracking number. We can’t look for packages if the sender doesn’t have that number. If we make an exception for them, we’ll have to make one for everybody.”

Kessinger said that when the data didn’t arrive within three weeks, the bank figured something might have gone wrong.  “This was slow, even for UPS.”

“But none of our customers have complained yet, so we have no reason to suspect foul play,” said Kessinger.  “And we’re offering all affected customers the chance to sign up free of charge for Citigroup’s credit monitoring service for 90 days. They can cancel anytime within that 90-day period or continue to receive this great service for just $79 annually.”

“We’ll even bill them automatically,” said Kessinger. “And then when, I mean, if their identity is stolen, we’ll help them free of charge for five business days after the billing date of the first bill on which a charge appears which was not made by that customer or any of living relatives, or after they notify us in writing, whichever comes first.”

Kessinger admitted that rates were subject to change without notice and that they would probably go up.  “Somebody has to pay for this fiasco,” he said.

Debby Hopkins, chief operations and technology officer for Citigroup, said that customers probably don’t have anything to worry about. “The data was encrypted using a state of the art mainframe computer, and it would take someone with the technical expertise of someone on Best Buy’s Geek Squad or someone who had access to Citigroup’s Secret Decoder Ring to be able to read the information.”

Hopkins added that she sure would be glad when Citigroup figured out how to send data electronically. “That would be way cool,” she said.

“Awesome,” agreed Kessinger.

Copyright © 2005 by Linda Avey Bullock.  All rights reserved.

Panda Porn: Didi Does Dallas

Copyright © by Linda Avey Bullock

CHENGDU, China — The panda pandering by China’s panda porn peddlers has produced panic among some religious groups. Calling it “sex education,” the China Giant Panda Breeding and Research Center in Wolong forced six-year-old giant panda Didi to sit and watch X-rated videos of randy pandas.

“It’s panda pandering of the worst kind,” said an outraged Reverend Jerry Falwell. “It’s nothing less than panda-kiddie porn.”

When asked what he thought of the panda porn, six-year-old Didi said he reawwy wiked de pitchures but not de moosic. He said he’d like the videos better if they used the soundtrack from The Lion King, but he’d still rather watch Sponge Bob.

Researchers pointed out that while young male pandas are shown X-rated videos twice a day, they will not be allowed to rent them until they turn 18.

Researchers claim that these measures are necessary to save giant pandas from extinction. Only about 1,100 giant pandas are in existence today, they said, and more than 60 percent of adult male giant pandas in captivity show less interest in sex than “gay man in titty bar.” Furthermore, said researchers, only 10 percent of the male pandas are capable of natural mating, though they declined to comment on how they arrived at this number.

Researcher Wang Yu summed it up this way: “Our pandas namby-pamby,” he said. “No want pansy panda. Want panting panda.”

It’s not as if researchers haven’t tried other methods, said Yu. Pandas previously given Viagra® performed sexually but refused to perform with a partner. What’s more, he said, job attendance among pandas went way down.

The researchers then took matters into their own hands, said Yu, but artificial insemination didn’t work either.

So just how have female pandas responded to panda porn? Initially, said Yu, researchers had a problem getting female pandas to participate in the panda porn, so researchers called upon Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner for advice. After talking with Hefner, researchers sought willing female pandas among the laid off workers from Enron and Worldcom. Finding little success there, researchers negotiated a contract with the newly formed panda porn workers union that included an undisclosed figure up front, royalties from the videos, and a 401K plan.

Yu said that this unexpected expenditure had needlessly cut into his budget. Watching a screening of the soon-to-be-released Pandora’s Box, Yu just shook his head. “You don’t think she want?” he asked. “Look at way she dressed.”

Yu admits, however, that the early results of the research look good. Last year, male panda Ximeng had his first natural mating after a long bout of sex education and is now a father. Unfortunately, Ximeng takes little interest in his offspring, has not made his support payments, and will be DNA tested on The Montel Williams Show in the fall of this year.

The show will include two other female pandas who allege that Ximeng is the father of their offspring as well.

“I’m not a bit surprised,” said Falwell. “Studies show that panda pandering leads to panda philandering.”

Still Panda handlers are optimistic. After just six days of panda porn, Didi is showing such a strong libido that he’s no longer allowed in the same cage with his mother.

In a related story, births are up sharply among panda researchers.

 The Government’s New

Non-Government-Run Airport Security

© 2005 by Linda Avey Bullock

WASHINGTON—Beginning in August, the Transportation Security Administration plans to require airlines to solicit the full names and birth dates of all passengers when they buy tickets.

“Passengers who prefer the usual grin and grope method of airport screening can refuse to give out the information,” said Justin Oberman, the TSA official in charge of the program, “but there’s a better chance they’ll be put through some of the more stringent methods on security.”

When asked what these more stringent methods might entail, Oberman chuckled and said that while this would of course be up to the individual screener, one method he’s heard batted about would be to have passengers strip, get on all fours and crawl through the metal detectors squealing like pigs.

“Most passengers would probably rather give out their personal information,” said Oberman, “but it’s a free country so the choice is up to the individual.”   New screening methods are necessary, he said, because screeners find it difficult to tell which passengers are likely to be terrorists.

Case in point, said Oberman, Sen. Edward Kennedy was detained for three days last week because he had the same name as someone on the watch list. “Not that it matters much,” said Oberman, “since Democrats are just placeholders in the government these days, but current screening methods could conceivably inconvenience someone important.”

President Bush said he was proud of the progress the TSA has made on the airport security and that he believes this new measure will go a long way toward preventing terrorists from using American airplanes for terrorist attacks like those committed on 9-11.  When asked what would prevent passengers from giving false information to airlines, the President looked thoughtful for a couple of minutes and then with his characteristic quick nod said, “They’ll be on the honor system.”

The TSA will be requesting this extra information of airline passengers to build a new computerized passenger screening program, which they’ll call Secure Flight, though insiders refer to it as the Big Brother Database, or BBD. This database will allow the TSA to take over airport security, which the Bush Administration insists is not the same thing as government-run airport security with taxpayers footing the bill. When asked if she could explain what the difference was, Secretary Condoleezza Rice said, “I never said that and I resent your implication.”

Once the BBD is in place, your name and date of birth will be matched up with government records that include your name, every place you’ve ever lived, every place you’ve ever worked, every phone number you’ve ever had, the names and numbers of all incoming and outgoing telephone calls with highlights from various conversations culled from recordings during random wiretaps, your email address book with screen names and passwords, the names of everyone you’ve dated, your driving record, your credit rating, and comments from various people you’ve met or may have passed on the street once.  Anybody with “suspicious-looking information or discrepancies” will be put on the watch list, put through the more stringent methods of screening and/or escorted to Turkey for further questioning before boarding.

“We believe this process will vastly decrease the time it takes to safely board an airplane,” said Oberman. “And if you don’t like it,” he added with a wink, “you can always leave the country.”  It is not clear at this time when the government screening process will be implemented for boarding ships, riding the subway or taking a cab.

© 2000 Linda Avey Bullock

NEW YORK–Wall Street investors pissed all over themselves today when the Dow Jones industrial average went below the 10,000 level.

One man, however, was smiling broadly. When asked “What’s so fucking funny, asshole?,” Federal Reserve Chair Arnold Greenspan replied, “I just made a killing in the market.

“Did you hear those pussies whimpering today?” whooped Greenspan, as he wiped the froth off his jowls. “I’ve got ’em running scared this time,” he snorted.

Greenspan, whose market acumen has been legend ever since he took office, said he simply has “a knack for knowing when the market is going to go up or down.”

“Call it an intuition,” he said, “but right before I raised interest rates again I had a gut feeling that the market was going to take a huge downturn. So I bought a shitload of stock–then I sold short. I guess I’m just lucky.”

Scott Bleier, chief market strategist for Prime Charter Ltd. is not so sure that Greenspan relies purely on luck and intuition, citing that Greenspan himself told bankers a there might be a “bubble” in the stock market.

“What the hell is a ‘bubble’ anyway?” asked a tearful Bleier. “And when is somebody going to shoot that paranoid old geezer?”

If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen, puss-boy,” retorted Greenspan. “He thinks I’m paranoid. I’m not paranoid. How can I be paranoid when I’m in control, full control, do you hear? Full control. Not paranoid at all.”

Greenspan then grabbed a startled passerby and asked, “Isn’t ‘Bleier’ a German name?”

“Plunging stocks can’t be blamed entirely on the actions of Greenspan,” said suck-up political wannabe Dan Ascani, president and research director of at Global Market Strategists Inc. in Gainesville, Ga. “Let’s face it, Corporate America is being run by a bunch of broken down, Zoloft-popping, booze-swilling, hair-plugging baby boomers; the U.S. dollar’s heading for the shitter; and, well, okay, now that I think of it, maybe interest rates do keep going up.”

When asked for his comment, Greenspan said, “The key question is whether the recent decline in equity premiums is permanent or temporary. If the decline is permanent, portfolio risk managers need not spend much time revisiting a history that is unlikely to repeat itself. But if it proves temporary, portfolio risk managers could find that they are underestimating the credit risk of individual loans based on the market value of assets and overestimating the benefits of portfolio diversification.

When asked what the hell that means, Greenspan winked and said, “Money for nothing and the chicks for free.”

© 2000 by Linda Avey Bullock

FLORIDA–In an amazing victory for the tobacco industry, a Florida state appeals court ordered 500,000 cancer-ridden Floridians to get in line to sue tobacco company for damages.

After the verdict was read, a hush fell over the courtroom, interrupted only by the sounds of coughing, wheezing, and fingers tapping on laptops as court attendees accessed their online brokers.

Out on the courthouse steps, Miami pediatrician Howard Engle, the man for whom the Engle class-action suit is named, collapsed and rolled onto the sidewalk.

Well, that’s one down,” beamed R. J. Reynolds CEO Andrew Schindler.

When accused of intentionally hiding the health risks of cigarettes to keep people hooked and increase sales, Schindler said, “So?”

“It’s not like it’s personal,” he added. “It’s just good business.”

Asked about whether he thought Joe the Camel appealed to young people, he replied, “Not unless they’re perverts.” He then went on to explain that while most young people were clearly perverts, he blames the increase in teen smoking on poor family values as evidenced by television shows like Sex and the City and Ally McBeal.

When asked to comment on why the industry encouraged underage smoking, Schindler cited humanitarian reasons. “It would be cruel to target old people,” he said, “because people on fixed incomes can’t afford cigarettes.

“Besides,” he added, “nobody forces people to smoke. If they don’t like it, they should quit.”

Drug Kingpin Gohan N. Blomee agrees, telling Barbara Walters on a recent 20/20 episode, “Hey, it ain’t his fault if people are stupid.”

The six-member jury was out longer than anticipated, shaking up tobacco-industry attorneys. It was later learned that the jury reached a unanimous decision on the first count but were delayed by “heavy traffic” on the Internet as they attempted to sell short on tobacco stocks. A jury member who asked not to be identified said, “Jury duty is a pain in the ass. People should get something out of it besides hemorrhoids.”

FEDS FIND FEDS NOT GUILTY

Feds turn over evidence to Feds

© 2000 by Linda Avey Bullock

WASHINGTON–Almost seven years after more than 80 men, women, and children were turned into human torches in the Branch Davidian siege near Waco, Texas, an FBI audio recording reveals that the FBI did ask for and receive permission to fire “incendiary tear gas devices” during the siege. Asked for comment, FBI spokesman John Collingwood said, “Federal agents were not aware that ‘incendiary’ was a synonym for ‘inflammable,’ and even if they were, nobody could reasonably be expected to keep the words ‘flammable’ and ‘inflammable’ straight.

When asked to comment on the audio recording, Attorney General Janet Reno smirked, “What Branch Davidian Compound?”

Nevertheless, according to Reno’s press agent, the Attorney General has called for an “independent inquiry” into the case, one that will be conducted not by the FBI or Justice Department but by an entirely separate branch of the federal government.

Candidates for the investigation have already been contacted, wired, and set up for life. “The Feds have a good chance of winning this one,” commented a source who asked not to be identified. “These people are lot more photogenic than that Linda Tripp broad.”

Both Reno and the FBI claimed that there was no proof that the combustible canisters they launched actually caused the fire. A source high up in the Justice Department added that both the FBI and Reno were deeply saddened by the knowledge that any such evidence would, unfortunately, have burned up in the fire or been swept away during the seven years it took them to begin the investigation.

The FBI allegation that the Davidian cult members set themselves on fire has long been doubted by most conspiracy theorists and other people with triple digit IQs.

In an interview on CBS This Morning, former FBI Assistant Director James Kallstrom said, “Who cares? It was a long time ago.”

Not surprisingly the FBI’s delayed admission about their use of incendiary tear gas has brought about an outcry on Capitol Hill from outraged congressional Republicans–a political group known for it’s long-standing battle against intolerance of minority factions.

“I think the attorney general is a big fat liar,” said Sen. Phil Gramm, R-Texas, as he picked the bar-B-que from his teeth.

An angry Reno responding to Gramm’s allegation, said, “Aw, don’t get your panties in a wad, Philly.” When Gramm declined to respond, Reno went on to call the Republican senator a “faggot” and a “pussy” and challenged him to “C’mon and fight like a man.”

FBI spokesman John Collingwood assured Americans that the Feds were “anxious to identify anything that may bear on the firing of the military gas rounds.”

Americans can sleep well in their beds tonight because if anyone can get to the bottom of this mystery, it’s the FBI.

Timothy McVeigh

–A Love Story

© 2001 by Linda Avey Bullock

WASHINGTON (May 12, 2001) – In spring a young man’s fancy turns to love. Or so says a love-struck Timothy McVeigh, convicted Oklahoma City Bomber, after the latest bonehead play by the FBI has given him some time to get in touch with his feelings and consider whether or not to appeal his conviction.

McVeigh, who says he’s grown “very close” to his attorney Rob Nigh during the six years it’s taken the FBI to “discover” the 3,135 pages of documents the agency should have turned over during the trial, is reconsidering his once-fervent wish to be strapped to a table, injected with enough chemicals to bring down Tyrannosaurus Rex, and lose control of his bowels and bladder over closed circuit TV.

“It’s not that I wouldn’t still enjoy that,” said McVeigh, “but love will make you do funny things.

“And to think,” mused the obviously smitten McVeigh, “if I hadn’t killed all those people, we might never have met.”

When Attorney General John Ashcroft was asked to comment on his recent decision to put McVeigh’s scheduled execution on hold for another month, he said, “Damn it, somebody’s got to give these kids a chance.

“Besides,” said Ashcroft, “the FBI’s display of generosity and honesty, belated or otherwise, will prove to McVeigh that he has misjudged the US government.”

“The government is still being unfair,” countered McVeigh. “All this waiting is hard on my family,” he said, “and I don’t like to hurt people I care about.”

“It’s true,” said Bill McVeigh. “I had my heart set on it. Now I have to wait a whole nother month.”

When President Bush was asked for his comment on the delayed execution, he said, “Y’all know that as the governor of the great state of Texas, it was my solemn duty to put 168 people to death. Frankly, the thrill is gone. I don’t see any reason to rush this one.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” said Nigh. “In fact, it may take me years to get through all these documents,” he said with a wink.

Meanwhile, Nigh plans to file a petition for McVeigh to be granted conjugal visits with “an undisclosed party” while the case is pending.

Nigh further stated that the case will be pending “until death do us part,” adding that he would “climb the highest mountain and swim the deepest sea to make their time together as long as possible. Then he broke into a big smile, got down on one knee and sang, “I don’t care what they think about me-ee-ee. I don’t care what they say-ay-ay.”

When asked to comment on a possible additional delay, Ashcroft. who just last month agreed to let victims and relatives of the bombing watch McVeigh’s execution on closed-circuit television, said, “That’s great news. Love wins in the end and I’ll have more time to line up advertisers.”