© Copyright by Linda Avey Bullock 2002-2012
Your Real Horoscope
by Linda Avey Bullock
Aries is the most self-centered sign in the zodiac. Your total inability to share leads to isolation, gluttony, and excessive masturbation. Your best match is yourself, which is just as well because nobody wants you for a parent. Aries fathers are typically deadbeat dads and Aries mothers have been known to starve their own infants rather than share their milk. This is why God usually makes Aries impotent and infertile.
Taurus the Bull, the whole world is your personal China shop. You cannot occupy a space without shattering everything and everyone within that space. A sensualist from birth, you scratch and claw your way to your mother’s breast, sucking her dry, leaving her with puckered breasts and a life span shortened by 20 years. Women who give birth to a Taurus child often take their own lives.
Ah, the duplicitous, two-faced, double-dealing Gemini. No wonder people despise you. If you were the only person left in the world you would be unfaithful to yourself. It is not that you can’t make up your mind but rather that neither you nor anybody else can actually locate your mind. You are congenitally mindless, and you deserve all those STDs you get.
It’s a good thing you like your privacy, Cancer, because you are destined to be alone. You think people miss you when you’re in one of your sulky moods and withdraw from the world to lick your wounds. You are wrong. Entire cities celebrate when you refuse to answer your phone or step outside your house. People see you as, well, a cancer.
Prepare to preen, Leo, because the term “narcissist” was coined just for you. As were “showoff,” “loudmouth,” and “self-important.” Your best match is anyone who will throw tomatoes and boo you off the planet, but you are happiest alone in an echo chamber with mikes, surround sound, wall-to-wall mirrors; rose-tinted lighting; and smiling, nodding blow-up dolls.
Virgo horoscopes are a waste of time, since you consider anything written by anyone else as too flawed to merit your attention. Besides, you’re far too busy disinfecting surfaces, popping breath mints, and sniffing yourself to read. Your health-consciousness and germ-phobia wouldn’t be so bad if the rest of us would not rather that you sicken and die.
Libra, you would be a lot more amusing–perhaps even tolerable–if you weren’t so annoying. Your flittering about pretending to be charming and balanced does not work. People see you for the unstable little toady that you are and laugh at you behind your back. And, please, if you must be a social butterfly, at least have the decency to pass out behind the sofa.
Scorpio. Scorpion. See the similarity? So does everyone else. You are cunning and sneaky and evil. Even worse, you are a pathological control freak and not satisfied unless everyone around you is sucking up to you and doing your bidding. It is no coincidence that Charles Manson, Klaus Barbie, and everyone’s ex were born under the sign of Scorpio.
Sagittarius the Sage? I think not–unless of course you’re referring to that foul-smelling herb you put up a turkey’s butt right before you roast it. Unfortunately, a lack of knowledge does not stop you from pontificating on any given subject that pops into your vacuous head. About the only good thing one can say about Sagittarius is that you are a risk-taker. Go on, Sagittarius, JUMP.
Capricorn wins the award for The Biggest Downer of the Zodiac. You cause more depression and trigger more infanticides and parental suicides than all the other signs put together. In school, you are best suited to be a hall patrol. If you are allowed to reach adulthood, you will most likely become a principal, a traffic cop, or Jerry Falwell.
Face it, Aquarius, the Age of Aquarius is over. And so are you. Since you pride yourself in being unique, you are a rebel without a pause. Please, stop. You are tiresome and boring and nobody cares. Truth is, nobody really ever did–it was just an excuse to take drugs. People tolerate you because you remind them of their former delusions and drug trips, but even this is wearing thin.
Oh, Boo-Hoo, Pisces. You’re soooo sensitive. Stop crying in your beer. Nobody cares about your whiney-assed sensibilities or wants to be “enlightened” with your pretentious, holier-than-thou New-Age crap. Notice how people’s eyes glaze over whenever you open your mouth? Just shut the hell up and suck it up like the rest of us, crybaby.
001: Tired old broad seeks impotent old fart for financial support.Likes credit cards and being left alone.
002: Horny old goat seeks
003: Narcissistic, high-maintenance
004: Married male, 47, seeks mature woman, 18-22, who
005: MWF in public eye seeks highly discreet man with