What Are You Doing Too Much of?
By Linda Avey © 2001-2011
Admit it–you’re exhausted. And you know why you’re exhausted? Because like most women, you do too much.
As far back as I can remember, women were always doing too much. In the 50s we cleaned too much; in the 60s we fucked too much; in the 70s we burned our bras and liked disco too much; in the 80s we padded our shoulders too much; in the 90s we worked at our jobs too much; and somehow during all of those decades women also found time to love too much.
So what you might wonder are women doing too much of in the 21st century? Take the following quiz and find out. After all, the sooner you find out, the sooner you can start feeling guilty about it.
1. When you wake up in the morning, your first thought is
A. Where am I?
B. I’m so lucky.
C. Shit! It was only a dream.
D. Where did I put my pepper spray?
2. The first thing you do when you get out of bed is
A. look around for your underwear.
B. mentally go over the day ahead and think, “I’m so lucky.”
C. hit the snooze and try to get back to your dream.
D. find your nail glue and pour it on the crotch of that guilty-looking guy still snoring in the bed.
3. On the way to work you
A. ask directions at the first gas station you come to and try to remember whether you gave out your real name last night.
B. drive the speed limit while you listen to your favorite love songs and think “I’m so lucky.”
C. consider turning your car around and going back to bed.
D. give it the gas and head for that smug-looking guy in the crosswalk.
4. At work you
A. are afraid to answer your phone because you gave out 387 business cards in bars last night.
B. hum Bette Midler tunes as you push the mail cart and think, “I’m so lucky.”
C. curl up under your desk and take a nap.
D. document the behavior of the men you work with and file by names and dates.
5. Driving home you
A. stop at Frederick’s of Hollywood to see whether they have anything new in since yesterday.
B. stop and get your hair and nails done, pick up a little something at Victoria’s Secret that you know your boyfriend/husband will like, pick up his dry cleaning, pick up his children, go grocery shopping for his dinner, and think “I’m so lucky.”
C. pick up a carton of Haagen Daz and your Oxycodone prescription.
D. mace that guy in the convertible who’s looking at you “funny.”
6. For amusement during your free time you
A. dress like Rhu Paul and go out dancing.
B. do whatever pleases your husband/boyfriend most.
C. sleep on the couch.
D. watch old war movies and tally the fatalities.
7. When you imagine yourself 10 years from now, you are
A. happily married–just like Traci Lords.
B. happily married–just like Rihanna.
C. happily married–just like Amy Winehouse.
D. happily married–just like Lorena Bobbitt.
8. People close to you say that 10 years from now, you will be on
A. the streets.
D. Death Row.
9. In high school, you were voted
A. “most likely to.”
B. “least likely to.”
C. “most likely to have drugs in her locker.”
D. “class clown” (for repeatedly planting explosives in the boys locker room).
10. Politically, you
A. are in Bill Clinton’s Little Black Book and on a first-name basis with most of the boys in Congress.
B. don’t like to get involved.
C. can’t be bothered.
D. are way to the left of Terry O’Neill.
11. In college it was your dream to
A. get into a fraternity.
B. get engaged.
C. get through.
D. get even.
12. Your favorite way to spend an evening is
B. cooking for your boyfriend/husband and his buddies and then watching them have fun while you clean up the mess and think about how lucky you are.
C. with Sarah Lee and a bottle of Xanax.
D. performing Black Arts.
Count up your answers to find out what you do too much of that annoys the fuck out of the rest of us.
Mostly A’s: You are a woman who gets laid too much. If you continue this way, you will one day go to sit on a barstool and just keep going. If when you walk down the street you feel a draft on your ovaries, this is a clue.
Mostly B’s: You are a woman who makes the rest of us want to puke too much. Your one redeeming feature is that you are quite useful to women who want to lose a lot of weight in a hurry too much.
Mostly C’s: You are a woman who escapes what the rest of us have to put up with too much. You’re not even reading this, are you, bitch?
Mostly D’s: You are a woman who hates too much. You make the rest of us feel guilty for laughing at your horrendous acts of violence against men too much. Your goal should be to try not to get caught too much.
Evenly divided: You are not doing anything too much. You fail to grasp what’s truly important in life and are unable to express or, indeed, even to be aware of your own feelings. You are male too much.