Why Haters Are Better than Lovers
I fuckin' hate you.

Haters have a lot of, well, haters. But hate can actually make your life easier. Take relationships, for example. People are always looking for love, but you never have to search for someone to hate. People you hate will generally find you. Furthermore, you can always count on the people you hate to hate you back. Unrequited hate is practically unheard of.

You don’t need to be good-looking or have a lot of money to get people to hate you (though of course these things help). You can inspire hate just by being yourself. In fact, I’ve noticed that the more I relax and just be myself, the more haters I find.

Of course you can’t truly hate someone else until you first learn to hate yourself. Fortunately this is not too difficult. A visit to a department store dressing room should do the trick. Try on bathing suits or anything by Calvin Klein. Or if you’re really having trouble getting in touch with those feelings, hit the singles bars.

Unlike love, hate’s easy to keep alive. You’ve probably had at least one experience in which you really and truly loved someone–maybe you even went out and did something drastic like getting married. Then one day for no apparent reason you just didn’t feel the love anymore. Hate will never let you down like that. In fact, the more time you spend with someone you hate, the deeper those feelings will grow.

You’ll also never need a support group because someone you hate stopped hating you back. And even if someone you hate does stop hating you (which as you can imagine is highly unlikely) you probably won’t even notice it, what with so many other people in your life you can hate.

Which brings me to one of the biggest benefits hate has to offer: it’s socially acceptable to hate several people all at the same time. That means nobody will ever get pissed off because you hate other people too, hate someone else more, or because you have racy videos of other people you hate hidden in a shoebox in the back of your closet.

If you’re a rookie hater and you want to attract more hate in your life, begin by expressing more hate toward others. Remember, hating is like anything else: the more you practice, the better you will get.

Once you have evolved to the point where you can hate others unconditionally, when your heart is practically bursting with hate, you’re ready for the next step. As with any other form of exercise, be sure to check with your doctor first. Think of it as another opportunity to hate someone.

As you work at hating and evolve, you’ll find it’s a natural progression to go from hating individuals to hating institutions–for example, political parties, insurance companies, Big Oil, the government, pharmaceutical companies, Microsoft, religious groups–the list is endless. The only drawback to institutional hating is that you can’t count on everybody within a given institution to hate you back. And it should go without saying that you should never give hate just to get hate in return. Don’t you hate that–I said it should go without saying but I said it anyway? See how easy this is?

Don’t be afraid of hate. Hate means never having to say you’re sorry. A simple “Fuck you” will do.

Hate List for Beginners

  • Politicians and their respective political parties
  • The pharmaceutical industry and its absurdly self-serving “War on Drugs”
  • The oil companies
  • People who send you chain email with sappy messages of love, hope, and encouragement followed by threats and recriminations for not sending it on
  • People who use the latest business speak
  • People who believe that keeping gays from getting married and women from getting birth control are our biggest issues
  • Stupid leaders
  • Stupid followers
  • Other people’s children
  • Your own children

5 Tips for Negative Growth:

1. Tune into the power of negative thinking. The glass isn’t half-full, it’s half empty and probably dirty besides. And even if it were half-full, what kind of person serves you a glass that’s only half full?
2. Start keeping an Attitude Journal. Every night before you go to sleep, write down at least five things that pissed you off that day. You can always write more than five if you’re on a roll, but you must write at least five.
3. Stay away from positive thinkers. They only set you up for disappointment.
4. If someone tells you to have a nice day, resist the urge to run that person’s head through a meat grinder. Your power to hate will not be sufficiently tested when you go to prison for this act, and your ability to hate unconditionally will not get a chance to grow.
5. It’s not necessary to hate deeply before you make a commitment. In fact, it’s preferable to be shallow where hate is concerned because studies suggest that given a choice most people would rather be hated for their looks or their money than for their minds.

©2012 by Linda Avey
©2001 by Linda Avey. Parts of this piece originally appeared on my Website in 2001.

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